Get Sloshed While Getting Botoxed, Win win!

Come on, be honest.  Do you like to party the night away (because I have heard me some stories)? And do you sometimes think your nose is too big/too small/too whatever? And do you think that this woman:

Jocelyn Wildenstein = Gold standard in obtainable perfection*


Friday, June 24, at some hotel in London is the first ever My Big Fat Plastic Surgery Party.

From the event organizers:

Party the night away to the latest sounds from some of London’s Top Bands,  Prize Draw after Midnight. Top prize is a plastic surgery procedure. Runner UP Prizes: Fillers, Semi-permanent make-up, Teeth whitening, pole dancing lesson.

 So you can get that nose fixed and learn how to pole dance, how totally awesome and convenient. This event has caused quite the controversy in London, mainly by ugly, bitter people. Well, and some medical professionals who are all pissy.  Because, you know, plastic surgery shouldn’t technically be a “prize”. It’s basically real surgery, technically speaking.

 Just a big fat whatever to that.

Anyway, so there’s just a little bit of major insanity from across the pond for you.  Oh, and if you do go*, make sure to check your self-esteem in at the front door.

*Therapy = Not a Terrible Idea

More Proof Your Cell Phone is Trying to Kill You

I do hope you are not reading this on your cell phone right now. If you are, this woman:
says you might be deforming yourself. She is Kirsten Lord and she is the Managing Director of the Edinburgh Physiotherapy Centre. Sounds so British-y!

Anyway, Kirsten worries that we (that includes you) are leaning over our phones/laptops/computers/ipods far too much.

And all that leaning is making us hunch-y. She tells The Daily Mail:

Our bodies are a product of what we do on a daily basis and the change in lifestyles is definitely changing our bodies.

If you’re constantly looking down, you develop a forward curvature that rounds the whole spine.

If that’s not clear to you, a forward curvature that rounds the whole spine is this:

Kirsten also had some very helpful advice but by then, I was far too freaked out by my growing, expanding spinal hump to read any further.

Yea, so there you go.

Anyway.  So I’m thinking of taking up Pilates….

Bon Jovi. B.O.N.J.O.V.I. Bon Jovi.

Yay Sukanya Roy!  I do love whiz kids.  (Even if they do make me feel like a giant, retarded dummy. Cymotrichous? Whatever.)

Winning moment = 4:15

iKidney = iPad

 So this is Xiao Zheng. He is a 17-year-old kid that lives in China.  A few weeks ago he disappeared for a short while before suddenly returning home. 

With him, he had a shiny new iPad and a shiny new iPhone.  Curious because he (apparently) doesn’t have the means to pay for either.

His suspicious mother pried for details.  Where, exactly, did he get these shiny new apples?

Easy.  He sold a body part in the black market. Kidney, to be specific.

It’s hard to even know where to begin when someone says they have sold a body part. But flashing a huge, scary ghetto scar across the torso is a very brilliant start.

And that’s exactly what he did. Xiao showed his mother the scar and filled in the details…

I wanted to buy an iPad2, but I didn’t have the money. When I surfed the internet I found an advert posted online by an agent saying they were able to buy a kidney.

I know what you are saying. Fakey fake fake, shenanigans, made-up, not true. But this story is HUGE, BIG in China right now.  Google and see for yourself. 

It does beg the question…How would he even know how to sell a body part? Where does one do such ghastly, Frankenstein things?

According the The International Business Times : “The boy travelled north to the city of Chenzhou in Hunan province where the kidney was removed at a hospital. Zheng was discharged after three days.”

Okay, yes. I know this story is very sad and ridiculous and all sorts of wrong. But, whatever, I would probably sell my kidney for an iPad.  How many kidneys do you really need.

It reminds me of a young woman I knew years ago. She also “disappeared” and later returned. With designer everything.  Purse, dresses, shoes, she was all bling. When questioned, she said she had sold a body part. She wouldn’t say which one only that she got 100k for it (!?) and it was performed in China.

And to think, all these years I’ve (not so) quietly mocked her.  I tried looking her up on Facebook, desperate to find out if her urban legend-y story was really true.  No luck. Yet.

Anyway. I feel the need to end with this….for the record? I wouldn’t really sell a body part for an iPad.  Of course not. I’m pretty sure on that!  Crazy talk. You’d have to throw in an iPhone, everything has to be white and next generation.  Otherwise, yea. no.

Airline Seats and The Last Donut – What You Need to Know

 Airline seats should not recline. They just shouldn’t.  Because it never fails, when I’m crunched in my little tiny, inhumane seat, the person in front of me RECLINES in theirs, making me crunch into an even smaller unhappy ball.  I don’t like it, makes me twitchy. Read More

Smoking, it does a baby good

So I’ve got another tabloid outrage for you to outrage about. This one comes from The Daily Fail.

We have:

A scandalous picture:

And a scandalous quote:

I wasn’t ready to give up smoking. I think if I’d given up straight away, the stress would have been more harmful to the baby.

Scandalous Smoking Pregnant Mom is named Charlie Wilcox. She has since given birth to a non-smoking baby. 

Somehow this mess of a woman brings back memories of my old doctor.  Let’s call her Dr. Chimney. Dr. Chimney was a short Eastern European, to give you a visual, and smoked like a chimney.  I would drive up to her office and, 9 out of 10 times, would see her standing out front, nursing her addiction. She would always give me a semi-enthusiastic  (or was it guilty?) wave.  Better yet, Dr. Chimney was very droll and was constantly giving me questionable advice. 

AKA, when I started fattening up from my months-long chocolate bender, her solution was NOT to ‘eat less, exercise more’.  Nyet!  Dr. Chimney shrugged and advised me to “drink more milk.” See, Dr. C said I’m big-boned (no, I am not) and so…well, I don’t really get the connection but I’d rather drink more milk than exercise, this is true.

So I liked her. It was amazing having a doctor who gave me advice I could actually follow(in between her hacking, chronic cough).

Not sure my point here. Except that maybe Scandalous Smoking Pregnant Mom is a patient of Dr. Chimney?

Just thinking aloud…

Oh, and a video if you need more outrage:

Remember Planking –

All the rage. Why? Got me. But I bet you miss it.

Read More

Yard work is for hooligans

Let’s go over, once again, why yard work is not a good idea. Ever.

This is James Green.

He lives in Maine which is probably very leafy. While doing yard work with something called a backpack leaf blower (no idea what this is, don’t care), he put his cell phone in his back pocket.

While James was making his yard leaf-free, his phone started calling 911. Repeatedly.  Butt dialing. So unbeknownst to him, James butt dialed 911, over and over again, eventually drawing the attention of the police. 

From the Bangor Daily News:  The police showed up and promptly arrested him on outstanding warrants.

Bottom line:

     +      =


Clearly, only CRIMINALS do yard work.  I know you agree with me.

74 is the new beefcake

I’ve spent all Memorial Day Weekend stuffing myself with food. Pizza, chips and salsa, margarita’s. Big fun, of course, but now that I’ve gained 80 pounds in two days, well, not so fun.

Enter this woman.  Ernestine Shepherd.  She eats raw eggs or some such silliness, works out for hours (days even) at the gym and is 74 years old.

It’s fantastic, utterly and completely.  It (almost) makes me want to run to the gym, especially when you learn that she didn’t work out until she was in her 50’s.

I’m both inspired and annoyed by her. 

Feel schlumpy.


And Maddie too!

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